Famous Steven Wright One-Liners

Famous Steven Wright One-Liners Steven Wright is an American comedian who is famous for his deadpan expression while performing on stage. His one-liners seem intelligently designed, focusing on absurdities that we take for granted. In 1985, Steven Wright featured in an HBO special titled, Steven Wright Special, which had a huge fan following. Apart from comedy, Steven Wright has also created short films. He won an Academy Award for Best Short Live-Action film in 1989. Steven Wright does not use coarse language to create jokes. His one-liners make you marvel at his sharp wit. He shakes every belief system and pulls you out of your comfort zone. Steven Wrights one-liners create a riot of laughter. If you are good at dialogue delivery, use these one-liners to sharpen your speech. Use them as ice-breakers in a meeting or as a punch-line in your presentation. I wrote a song, but I cant read music so I dont know what it is. Every once in a while Ill be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.I brought a mirror to Lovers Lane. I told everybody Im Narcissus.I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.For a while, I didnt have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you cant hear him talk.Hermits have no peer pressure.I didnt get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldnt see anything, but every now and then youd hear this rumbling noise go by.I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.I put my air conditioner in backward. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. It w as supposed to be hot today. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like Im the only one moving.I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I dont have that much time.I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, Stephen, why havent you called me? I said, I cant call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I dont know... my calendar has no sevens on it.I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. Thats pretty big. Some people must be really tired.I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, Its free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything today.I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldnt see any forests. I think Gods going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.I think its wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Readers Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldnt park anywhere near the place.I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.I was born by Caesarian section... but not so youd notice. Its just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? Yes, officer, but I wasnt going to be out that long...I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? He said, I dont know. I said, I dont want your job. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. Were surrounded.I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, Got any shoes youre not using?I went over to the neighbors and asked to borrow a cup of salt. What are you making? A salt lick.I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja Vu. The headwaiter said, Dont I know you?I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? Its not for sale.I went to a general store. They wouldnt let me buy anything specifically.I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

ELL Proficiency Standards Essay Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 750 words

ELL Proficiency Standards - Essay Example rs (ELs),met many challenges in the long run manage and provide effective instruction for their ELs, often they dont see themselves as language teachers and so they arent sure where to begin with their students. These teachers arent alone, however, and they are facing a challenge shared by teachers across the country. Academic language is crucial for school. While the explicit instructional support that ESL and bilingual teachers provide is essential to English learners academic language development, English learners receive a majority of their instruction from general education and content area teachers who may not have experience teaching academic language development (Katz, 2010). In English, language objectives are lesson objectives that specifically outline the type of language that students attending a curriculum attend and they need it to learn and use in order to accomplish the goals of the lesson (Tomlinson, 2006). Quality language objectives complement the content knowledge and skills identified in content area standards and address the aspects of academic language that will be developed or reinforced during the teaching of grade-level content concepts (Echevarria, 2010). These objectives involve the four language skills (speaking, listening, reading, and writing), but they can also include: The language functions related to the topic of the lesson (e.g., justify, hypothesize vocabulary essential to a student being able to fully participate in the lesson (e.g., axis, locate, graph) language learning strategies to aid in comprehension (e.g., questioning, making predictions). Language objectives are directly correlated to content objectives. Once a teacher determines the lesson topic from the appropriate content standards, the teacher will want to begin thinking about the academic language necessary for English learners to complete the tasks that support the content objectives (Short, 2012). This identification of the academic language embedded in the

Financial aid from parents' perspective Personal Statement

Financial aid from parents' perspective - Personal Statement Example However, there comes a time when the famous adage that goes: ‘the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak’ already applies. It is in this regard that we seek financial assistance to support the educational pursuit of my eldest daughter, who is currently in the United States, taking up a degree in music, focusing particularly on harnessing her musical skills in playing the flute. The global financial crisis still reverberates in vast parts of the world and has significantly impacted various facets of life, especially the daily cost of living and educational expenses, among others. The cost of higher education, for one, has significantly increased and the current amount of income that we are earning is not sufficient to support the academic requirements of my daughter in the United States. She has unselfishly reiterated that she would make all the necessary sacrifices to make ends meet. As parents, our hearts could not imagine the ordeal she must sustain for the sake of completing her education. Her commitment and drive to complete her degree in the States was made possible through the academic institution’s acknowledgement of her exemplary musical talent and genuine acumen in playing the flute. We honestly believe that she would be an instrumental contributor to the world of music as she shares the passion in music to others. Our fervent hope is that our support could be assisted with the much needed financial aid which would fulfill my daughter’s dream. We would forever be indebted to your assistance and rest assured that the funds would not only be a means to complete my daughter’s education; but it would actually provide opportunity for a Korean to excel and be acknowledged in this field of endeavor on a global

5 Star Doctor Essay Example for Free

5 Star Doctor Essay First a good doctor should be knowledgeable and should always keep abreast of development in her field of expertise. She should be a skillful diagnostician. A good doctor should neither under prescribe or over prescribe medication to her patient as to make her own profit. Second, a good doctor should has high Emotional Quotient or EQ. Thats mean to be a doctor who had warmer personality, be a better listener and communicator beside emphathetic in communication patterns to restore a level of calm and confidence to the patient and make them feel that the doctor is for them. Third, a good doctor should also be a good philosopher. This means that, the doctor should treat the patients in a holistic way. The holistic way of treating patient is by treat the patient as a whole person instead just physical symptoms which is to counsel the patient on their diet, excersice and stress management instead of just give the patient their medicine. Fourth, a good doctor should able to be a person who is clear and logical in thinking, work with sincere heart, have skilled with hands for the surgery and easy to reach in case of emergency. The doctor would be humble and confident enough to collaborate with other doctors or senior doctors in medical community to tackle an illness which she is not uncertain about, in order to offer the best practices in management and treatment to the patients. Fifth, a good doctor should need the Five Star doctor qualities. Which are, improves the quality of care by responding to the patients total health needs with integrated preventive, curative and rehabilitatve services while considering the patients as an integral part of a family and community. Next is to make optimal use of new but cost- effective technologies, bearing in mind ethical and finacial consideratons and the ultimate benefits as well as costs to the patient and society. The doctor also promotes healthy life styles by effectively communicating with individuals and groups and empowering their own health protection and well- being. The Five-Star Doctor should reconciles individual and community health requirements, stiking a balance between patients expectations and those society at large. Beside that, the doctor is able to work and fuction efficiently and effectively in teams, both within and across the health sector and other socio- economic sectors influencing health. Another qualities a good doctor should has are sincere, dedicated, and courteous. He is able to complement his medical knowledge and clinical judgement with humanistic qualities of integrity, respect and compassion asn sees the patients as fellow human beings and not as a case with an illness. A Five- Star Doctor is one who not only demonstrate professional competence but also one who manifest personal qualities of patient, maturity and confident beside listen tentively to the patient to the patients complains and try to answer all their questions to the best of his knowledge. Sensitive to patient special needs, particularly their emotional needs and general well being. Avoids robotic prescription and drugs but rather, help the patients by identify the underlying couses of their promblems. Last but not least, a good doctor will treasure the relationship with the patients based upon mutual respect and open communication. The conclusions are as a medical doctor I need the learning skills and clinical skills to be a good and a Five Star doctor. Beside that, I also need to have high EQ or emotional qualities to gain the trust from my patients and colleagues. This is important because without them who am I? Thats all from me thank you.

My Development as a Writer Essay -- Reflection of my Writing

My English Literature major has helped me to achieve an outstanding level of appreciation, enjoyment, and knowledge of both American and British Literature. As a high school AP English student, I struggled through great works like Hamlet and To the Lighthouse. My teacher’s daily lectures (there was no such thing as class discussion) taught me merely to interpret the works as critics had in the past. I did not enjoy the reading or writing process. As a freshman at Loras, I was enrolled in the Critical Writing: Poetry class. For the first time since grade school, my writing ability was praised and the sharing of my ideas was encouraged by an enthusiastic and nurturing professor. Despite the difficulty of poetry, I enjoyed reading it. Because of my wonderful experience in Critical Writing, my love for reading and writing was renewed and my confidence in my abilities as a writer had been restored. I decided to take a second chance on English by declaring Literature and Writing a s my majors. Over the past three and half years, my love to read and write has been continually nourished and supported by the English department at Loras. Professors enlightened me to the real meanings and values of great literary pieces. Class discussions fueled by ideas and questions from both the professor and the students helped me to form my own ideas about literature and to think about literature on a higher level. My ability to analyze, synthesize, critique, research, and make my own judgments flourished because I finally had professors that truly were passionate about literature and helping their students. More importantly, the personal attention and wonderful feedback I received on my papers and assignments strengthened and honed my writing ... ...sm are fundamental to pharmacy. As a pharmacist, I will be analyzing the effects of medication on patients, researching and developing new drugs, and studying the criticism of specific drug therapies and trials. While I may only see my patients through the window at the pharmacy counter, I will be able to relate to them on a deeper level because the study of literature has helped me better understand human nature. In addition, literature has played a significant role in shaping and affirming my morals and values. Consequently, I will bring a high standard of ethics to a field in which they are essential. Today, pharmacists are the most trusted professionals in the United States. I know that the passion, the skills, and the abilities that I have developed as a result of my English Literature major will provide me with a strong foundation to build my pharmacy career.

J.B. Priestly & the story Essay

After the Inspector’s departure Birling admits that he has â€Å"learnt a loti from his visit. However, he immediately singles out Eric as â€Å"you’re the one I blame for this [the scandal]i , so he still seems to have little notion of community as he should, if he had learnt anything, be saying â€Å"we’re the ones to blame for thisi. Instead he seems to be shifting blame from himself. We can also see that as soon as the characters begin to construct doubts about the legitimacy of the Inspector he tries to find a way out of his predicament. As the story unravels he becomes â€Å"excitedi on discovering that the Inspector is not real and soon he has managed to put the whole episode out of his head, despite protests from Eric and Sheila who try to tell him that â€Å"you still haven’t learnt anything. i Birling is far more concerned about what may happen if the news comes out in public than whatever he did to Eva Smith and makes fun of Eric and Sheila for â€Å"not being able to take a jokei. However, the phone call he receives at the end of the play is not at all funny to him. To sum up, from the play we can see that when Birling preaches his â€Å"every man for himselfi philosophy he is very assured that he is right. The Inspector’s questioning manages to make him change his mind slightly although he is still sure of what he believes in. When he sees a chance to get out of the embarrassing situation he has been put into he grabs it with both hands and manages to forget the lesson he has learnt during the evening. Sheila is probably the character who changes the most during the play. At the start of the action she is very happy about her engagement, â€Å"pleased with life and rather excitedi. However, even at this point we pick up some of the qualities in her that are so marked later in the play, such as her clear stating of opinions which can be seen when she half-teases Gerald about his absence during the summer and her opinion of wine drinkers. Sheila’s reaction on receiving her engagement ring from Gerald show her state of mind: â€Å"Sheila: Oh – it’s wonderful! Look – Mummy – isn’t it a beauty? Oh – darling! i Sheila appears to be inattentive over her father’s speeches at the dinner table and has to be told to listen. This suggests that she neither find his opinions interesting nor agrees with them, which may point to her future conduct in the play. Sheila’s explanation of her conduct when interviewed by the Inspector shows how naive and thoughtless she was up to that point. However, unlike Birling she feels very upset about her conduct, shown by her running out of the room sobbing when first shown the photograph of Eva Smith. She also swears that she will â€Å"never, never do it [behaving like that towards others] again to anybodyi. This is a turning point in the play for Sheila. Almost at once she sheds her image of being a naive and ignorant young lady and takes on the most profound understanding of the Inspector’s message. During the rest of the play she often makes several cutting remarks during the other characters’ i interviews’ with the Inspector. For example, when the Inspector is talking to Mrs Birling she warns her mother not to block herself from Eva Smith in her answers to his questions: Mrs Birling: †¦ And in any case I don’t suppose for a moment that we can understand why the girl committed suicide. Girls of that class — Sheila : Mother, don’t–please don’t For your own sake, as well as ours, you musn’t. — Mrs Birling: Musn’t – what? Really, Sheila! Sheila : You musn’t try to build up a kind of wall between us and that girl. If you do, the Inspector will just break it down†¦ Incidences such as this, where Sheila is clearly contradicting the opinion of her parents, lead Mrs Birling to remark to the Inspector that â€Å"You seem to be making a great impression on the childi. The Inspector’s response, that â€Å"we often make an impression on the young onesi is proved to be true. The younger characters – Sheila, Eric and to an extent Gerald, are able to see the Inspector’s message realise that he is right. However, the older characters are too entrenched in their beliefs and still stubbornly cling to what they believe in.

Analysis Of Citrate And Its Various Salts Essay - 848 Words

Overview: Citrate and its various salts have been researched extensively and found to be used in most commercial settings, such as a local supermarket, as food preservatives. Hence, the level of citrate salts of various metals in our daily food has to be allocated to acceptable levels; as well enforcement of these acceptable levels requires an analytical tool capable of quick, selective and sensitive detection and quantification of citric acid levels in our daily food. This analytical method utilizes a graphite sensor to determine citrate in various beverage samples. It requires the construction of a relatively simple graphite carbon electrode for the determination of citrate levels. This method uses graphite carbon electrodes, within a Flow Injection (FI) system, as potentiometric sensors for the determination of ascorbate in food products. The mechanism supporting this method is the process of adsorption and subsequent oxidation of ascorbate on the electrode surface and the potential differe nce after citrate introduction. The results from this analytical method were validated against a conventional procedure, i.e. a standard titrimetric method. There are many analytical methods for determining citrate levels in samples, however, too many of these methodologies are tedious and time consuming; they require expensive materials and expensive equipment. Araà ºjo et. al (2011) suggests this analytical method for it is relatively quick and inexpensive. 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